Leading a different churches and married...

[chipshot0701]

"I certainly would not expect anyone to follow me, and I in turn would not be willing to follow a "leader" who's spouse was absent by choice on Sundays."
Nate, I may be missing something here. This thread is rather lengthy and I may have missed a huge part of whats been said. We are called to love one another and practice the fruits of the spirit. We are called to worship Him with all our hearts and minds. Not sit in the pews and wonder why His or Her spouse isn't here today. My wife doesn't come to church much at all and every now and then someone asks me where she is. But with all of my years of experience I know the only reason they are asking that question is because they are nosy butt-in types that need to know everybodies business and can't keep their gossip out of any conversation. Never has anyone that asked me that question expressed thier concern or let me know they were concerned about her being gone and asked if their was anything they could do to get her to come more often. I can and do lead worship and teach Sunday school effectively at our church and no one else even needs to know that my wife is absent or at a different church. Its none of thier business. Thier business is worshiping and getting Gods word. I feel that Krista should be free to lead worship wherever the Lord leads her to.

[Joseph Sowers]

"He wanted me to be in a church were I was appreciated and loved on and where I could be happy. The only other reason that he is still leading there is because this church has the money to, literally, get anyone they want. Anyone. But for whatever reason they wanted my husband and he doesn't want to burn a bridge or say he didn't do all he could do in that place."

I was reading through the thread and was "struck" by this quote and wondered what my response to a church would be if I came to a point of telling my spouse (wife for me) that I wanted her to find a church where she was appreciated and loved.....I have read it over several times and I can't get past that my "job" as a husband comes before my "job" as a worship leader. The Lord has called me to love my wife as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for her. I am struggling even to put what is in my heart into words but I feel that I would have to leave that church and let them spend their money for someone else; if that caused a bridge to be burned then maybe it needed to be. I am not saying that is what your husband must do, I am giving what is in my thought process. Not sure I could quote a chapter and verse for this but the order would have to be 1. Father/Son/Spirit 2. spouse 3. family (e.g. children) then ministry - the ministry I have been "called" to does not "trump" the marriage. I hope that makes sense and know that it is not meant in any harshness but it great sorrow that it would come to what it has. I will be praying for the situation and for clear direction.

[milepost13]

"I certainly would not expect anyone to follow me, and I in turn would not be willing to follow a "leader" who's spouse was absent by choice on Sundays."
Nate, I may be missing something here. This thread is rather lengthy and I may have missed a huge part of whats been said. We are called to love one another and practice the fruits of the spirit. We are called to worship Him with all our hearts and minds. Not sit in the pews and wonder why His or Her spouse isn't here today. My wife doesn't come to church much at all and every now and then someone asks me where she is. But with all of my years of experience I know the only reason they are asking that question is because they are nosy butt-in types that need to know everybodies business and can't keep their gossip out of any conversation. Never has anyone that asked me that question expressed thier concern or let me know they were concerned about her being gone and asked if their was anything they could do to get her to come more often. I can and do lead worship and teach Sunday school effectively at our church and no one else even needs to know that my wife is absent or at a different church. Its none of thier business. Thier business is worshiping and getting Gods word. I feel that Krista should be free to lead worship wherever the Lord leads her to.

Are we not also called to hold each other accountable? And, how is it that you seem to know everybody else's motives when they ask about your wife but you expect others to mind their own business about what's going on in your life? It sounds to me like you're in an incredibly unhealthy church if everybody has to mind their own business and not show any concern for you and your wife. Am I wrong here?

Listen, I'm not saying that every person in leadership needs to have his/her spouse at his side at all times. My wife has a terminal illness and has missed just as many Sundays in the past few years as she has not. Not by choice, but because she is physically unable to attend church on certain days. I have also missed a large number of Sunday at my own church caring for her. Nobody in my church has to wonder where she is, because they know, because they care enough about us to ask and I am open enough with them to not tell them to mind their own business. Now, if she was making a decision not to attend, or to attend another church, I could understand if I felt defensive about other people asking...I would not be able to lead people well if my own wife was unwilling to follow me. I'm not saying I couldn't lead worship well, or teach Sunday school well if my wife was choosing to be absent...God only know the numbers of times I've led worship over the years when my hands and heart were unclean before God. But, if my home isn't in order (and I would consider my wife choosing to not be committed to the same local church as me to be something that shows chaos), then, as a church staff member, I am not spiritually qualified to lead well.

I know my convictions about this topic sound harsh to many people...and I know better than to expect everybody to agree with my beliefs and theology. But, this is what I believe based on the Word. I'm truly sorry if it is offensive to some.

Nate

[mikeymo1741]

"He wanted me to be in a church were I was appreciated and loved on and where I could be happy. The only other reason that he is still leading there is because this church has the money to, literally, get anyone they want. Anyone. But for whatever reason they wanted my husband and he doesn't want to burn a bridge or say he didn't do all he could do in that place."

I was reading through the thread and was "struck" by this quote and wondered what my response to a church would be if I came to a point of telling my spouse (wife for me) that I wanted her to find a church where she was appreciated and loved.....I have read it over several times and I can't get past that my "job" as a husband comes before my "job" as a worship leader. The Lord has called me to love my wife as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for her. I am struggling even to put what is in my heart into words but I feel that I would have to leave that church and let them spend their money for someone else; if that caused a bridge to be burned then maybe it needed to be. I am not saying that is what your husband must do, I am giving what is in my thought process. Not sure I could quote a chapter and verse for this but the order would have to be 1. Father/Son/Spirit 2. spouse 3. family (e.g. children) then ministry - the ministry I have been "called" to does not "trump" the marriage. I hope that makes sense and know that it is not meant in any harshness but it great sorrow that it would come to what it has. I will be praying for the situation and for clear direction.

Joe, I think you hit the nail on the head right there. And said so well what sits uncomfortably with me about it.

My wife and I (and our collective giftings) are a package deal. If we weren't in a place where we both felt useful and appreciated, then that would not be the place for us. Because more than I want to be useful and serve in ministry, I want to be alongside her.

[mikeymo1741]

"He wanted me to be in a church were I was appreciated and loved on and where I could be happy. The only other reason that he is still leading there is because this church has the money to, literally, get anyone they want. Anyone. But for whatever reason they wanted my husband and he doesn't want to burn a bridge or say he didn't do all he could do in that place."

I was reading through the thread and was "struck" by this quote and wondered what my response to a church would be if I came to a point of telling my spouse (wife for me) that I wanted her to find a church where she was appreciated and loved.....I have read it over several times and I can't get past that my "job" as a husband comes before my "job" as a worship leader. The Lord has called me to love my wife as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for her. I am struggling even to put what is in my heart into words but I feel that I would have to leave that church and let them spend their money for someone else; if that caused a bridge to be burned then maybe it needed to be. I am not saying that is what your husband must do, I am giving what is in my thought process. Not sure I could quote a chapter and verse for this but the order would have to be 1. Father/Son/Spirit 2. spouse 3. family (e.g. children) then ministry - the ministry I have been "called" to does not "trump" the marriage. I hope that makes sense and know that it is not meant in any harshness but it great sorrow that it would come to what it has. I will be praying for the situation and for clear direction.

Joe, I think you hit the nail on the head right there. And said so well what sits uncomfortably with me about it.

My wife and I (and our collective giftings) are a package deal. If we weren't in a place where we both felt useful and appreciated, then that would not be the place for us. Because more than I want to be useful and serve in ministry, I want to be alongside her.

[kristamiller86]

Let me throw this in-

Even though we are not ministering together Sunday mornings we are attending church together elsewhere in the evenings. We found a church that was in our area and recommended by a few of our friends. It's been a great place to fill up our spirits.

My husband and I have a very healthy marriage. Recently we celebrated our 5 year anniversary and we are happy to say that we’re looking forward to the next 60 +. In those 5 years I can confidently say that I have supported, followed, and trusted all of my husbands’ major decisions. I respect my husbands’ decisions to stay the course among all the craziness. I think it’s very big of him. And it means a lot to me that he cares about my spiritual growth and wellbeing.

Yes, it’s sad that we can’t minister in the same church right now, but to quote Hillsong United “We’re all in this together.” And if that’s true, then what my husband and I are doing right now, serving the body at different churches, is okay because it’s all for the glory of His Kingdom.

[after5cst]

My wife and I (and our collective giftings) are a package deal. If we weren't in a place where we both felt useful and appreciated, then that would not be the place for us. Because more than I want to be useful and serve in ministry, I want to be alongside her.

+1.

For my own family and situation, my wife is an essential part of my ministry as "Music Ministry Coordinator" at my own church. Her gifts are complementary to my own, and I can honestly say that if she were attending another church, the challenges of my own ministry would be far more difficult and the effectiveness of my ministry would be lessened. But that's not Krista's situation, apparently.

But, as an uninformed opinion, my thoughts towards her situation would be as follows:

(In business jargon) What's the exit strategy?

Short term, this may (practically) work. But long term, if the two aren't together at a church, how can they deal with issues that will arise at one (or both) churches? What do you do with burnout? How will the churches respond if members from one start attending the other? How will the staff and congregation of each view the perceived lack of "buy in"? If kids are involved, how do you determine which church they're involved with? etc. etc.

Satan can (and will) use any opportunity he can to cause division, strife, bickering, distractions, and attack between the members in the body of Christ. If there's not a defined plan for an end date, there's an open door for short, medium, and long term strategies that can damage one (or both) churches and possibly a marriage as well.

[kristamiller86]

[QUOTE=after5cst;45756](In business jargon) What's the exit strategy?

Short term, this may (practically) work. But long term, if the two aren't together at a church, how can they deal with issues that will arise at one (or both) churches? What do you do with burnout? How will the churches respond if members from one start attending the other? How will the staff and congregation of each view the perceived lack of "buy in"? If kids are involved, how do you determine which church they're involved with? etc. etc.QUOTE]

-This is for sure a short team deal.

-As for burnout, we've both been through that in different points of our ministry and know what it feels like. Burnout is not happening with either of us. In fact we are super excited and we are both if very good places spiritually.

-The church that I am at is a "sister church" to the one my husband is at (the one I used to be at). There are actually "members" that do float back and forth between these churches depending on whats going on. I know, it's weird that happenes but it does and the leadership at these two churches really don't care.

-As for the "buy in" all the staff knows at both churches and neither have expressed faults. The only comments I get are from were I was leading (where my husband is). Every once and a while I get a "We miss you!"

-We don't have kids. Working on it! When we do however we know that God will have this unique situation figured out.

[Steffie]

Hey Krista,

I'm wading in rather late here, but if you're still intersted in opinion, I have another one to offer. . .

I have strong feelings about this due to personal experience. I watched my parents attend separate churches for many years growing up. It was AGONISING. They just weren't together, in their beliefs, decisions, goals etc. My husband and I have a very strong commitment to be serving in the same place. We are "one flesh" and convinced we need to be serving and growing in the same church.

While I could go on about this, I am aware you need to make your choice based on your own convictions in God. If any of us are misguided, I pray God will correct us in His own gentle way. Meanwhile, there is wise counsel here, and I suggest you test everything aggainst the Bible and your own sense of God's peace.

Steffie