pianoman
08-03-2007, 11:44 PM
Hi,
It's really nice to know I can share my struggle with co-workers like you guys for Jesus Christ.
I have been a full time Director of Worship for 4 years at a small local church. My church is really small (regular attendance is around 55), but many of them are devoted Christians so our church currently have three full time staff (senior pastor, me, director of youth ministry) and a part time staff (director of children's ministry).
Before I became a full time, I worked as a part time accompanist/worship associate for 4 years. So currently I have been working for this church for 8 years.
My problem is that I lost my trust and respect for senior pastor. He came to our church four years ago about the same time I became a full time director of worship. During the first two years, he seemed a good pastor. He got along with congregation very well, and everybody seemed liking him much.
From two years ago I started noticing his weaknesses. Whenever something related to his family brought up he became very defensive for his family and counter-attacks the church members who brought it up. Once this happen, he doesn't care for them and gives them the cold shoulder.
Two years ago, his 21 year old daughter (he has one more daughter, 4 years younger than her) started dating a 17 year old youth boy. It was first time the boy came to church, and his family visited a few times because of him.
The actual problem was not about his adult daughter dating a minor. The girl came to youth group and stayed by her boyfriend all the time. And they touched each other's cheek, head, and shoulder while other youth were there. The youth minister warned their behaviors, but it didn't stop them completely. The boy's parents were frustrated with this couple, and later I heard that one day in the morning, the boy's mother found two sleeping in the basement of her house together when she thought the pastor's daughter went home late night.
The boy's mother came and told this to the youth minister, so the youth minister knew it. And the youth minister brought this attention to some church members.
While this problem was getting bigger attention, another thing happened and the problem of pastor's daughter went to under the rug. The youth minister used church money ($500) for her personal thing, and she got fired for that.
Some people wanted to bring up the pastor's daughter problem, but they got silent by church leadership. One Sunday, the pastor even preached a sermon attacking those who criticized his daughter. Because of this, they got hurt and didn't come to church often since then. And the pastor wasn't bothered by their absence.
When I started a full time job, we didn't have a worship band. It was just me at the keyboard, a guitar guy, and two lady singers. However from two years ago, I started a worship band by adding three youth to our band. They didn't have any experience on band stuff. Two of them just picked up their instrument (electric guitar and bass guitar). Just a drummer had a little bit of experience, but his problem was keeping the tempo.
Since then I added two more lady singers, so we had 9 members. However the problem was that we couldn't have a set-time for the practice. Almost nobody wanted to commit their time for the band practice. So I had to call everybody each week to find out available time to practice, and that was a misery.
In addition I had to have two individual lessons for electric guitar and bass guitar before band practice. This period was the time I really got burned out. However the most uncooperative single person during this time was the pastor's wife. She was one of the singers, and everytime I called her to schedule singer practice, she just made me crazy by her unwillingness to help. I was furious that why I had a hard time from the pastor's wife who was supposed to be the most supportive person for the ministry. Later her attitude got better after I complained this to the pastor.
However I found out the most awful thing about the pastor last November. There is a guy (let's call him Jon) who has contributed a lot financially. His family has been our church member more than 15 years. They are rich but they tithe and whenever we need extra money to expand our minister (ex. buying equipment for praise band and sound system), they step forward to donate the money. However they are also very involved in our church ministry. Jon also did a lot of church outside maintenance jobs by himself, and he was the most cooperative person for the choir. His wife is also a praise team singer.
Because our church was small (and still small), the church didn't have money to provide parsonage for pastor. And Jon volunteered to pay rent for parsonage before I joined the church, and in 2001 he bought a house as parsonage. What a nice thing he could do for a small church!
Jon's family lived for a long time at a 1,700 sq ft three bedroom house since they got married. And the Spring of last year, they moved to their dream house. The old house was a bit smaller for them since they got three children, and this was the reason he built a new dream home. After he moved to a new home, he found a new problem. He had three houses: his new home, his old home, and a parsonage. Even though he was rich, he had a problem to pay three mortgages. So he decided to sell one house, but he didn't want to sell the old house he lived for 20 years because he built it and he attached to it a lot unlike the parsonage that he bought in 2001.
So he met the pastor and proposed to move to the house where he lived, so he could sell the house where the pastor lived. And Jon even offered to pay moving expenses. However the pastor rejected the proposal. The current parsonage and Jon's old house are almost same size. I don't know why he refused to move, but one thing I guess was that Jon was the one who brought up pastor's daughter's problem until they swept the problem under the rug.
Since then, Jon didn't come to church except a few occasions. I didn't know this until my family invited Jon's family to our home for a dinner last November.
When I first heard it, I was sickened and couldn't speak a word for a while. And I shared my frustration with pastor also, and suggested him to come to at least Sunday worship even though he got hurt by the pastor. He showed up two Sundays after that, and stop coming.
Since I heard this incident, my trust and respect for the pastor was totally gone. And last November the pastor's sermon series was about servanthood. His point was that like Jesus did for us, we have to sacrifice ourselves for Jesus and our neighbors. And I yelled at him, "liar! liar!" silently while he was preaching.
Jon and his wife are separated now. I know they had a marriage problem all the time, but when I asked her if the pastor’s refusal affected their relationship, she replied that it affected their relationship greatly. Now she said their divorce is inevitable.
And Jon told church leadership that he wanted the parsonage back within two months.
I can endure other things, but I cannot do ministry with a pastor what he says and what he does is different. Aren't ministers (including me) supposed to sacrifice themselves first ahead of other people and set examples, so they can learn by their examples? Isn't it a pastor's job to come to people first who got hurt by pastor and to comfort them and to initiate reconciliation first, not to ignore them? Isn't it pastor's family job sometimes to sacrifice themselves for a greater purpose, not to counter-attack someone who criticizes them?
Do you think my church pastor had a big problem?
My wife and I prayed for this situation during the month of June, and we got conclusion that it's time to move on.
However should I keep the actually reason for resignation secret forever, or share my reason for resignation with church leadership (there are three lay leaders) secretly?
Thank you for reading this long frustration.
It's really nice to know I can share my struggle with co-workers like you guys for Jesus Christ.
I have been a full time Director of Worship for 4 years at a small local church. My church is really small (regular attendance is around 55), but many of them are devoted Christians so our church currently have three full time staff (senior pastor, me, director of youth ministry) and a part time staff (director of children's ministry).
Before I became a full time, I worked as a part time accompanist/worship associate for 4 years. So currently I have been working for this church for 8 years.
My problem is that I lost my trust and respect for senior pastor. He came to our church four years ago about the same time I became a full time director of worship. During the first two years, he seemed a good pastor. He got along with congregation very well, and everybody seemed liking him much.
From two years ago I started noticing his weaknesses. Whenever something related to his family brought up he became very defensive for his family and counter-attacks the church members who brought it up. Once this happen, he doesn't care for them and gives them the cold shoulder.
Two years ago, his 21 year old daughter (he has one more daughter, 4 years younger than her) started dating a 17 year old youth boy. It was first time the boy came to church, and his family visited a few times because of him.
The actual problem was not about his adult daughter dating a minor. The girl came to youth group and stayed by her boyfriend all the time. And they touched each other's cheek, head, and shoulder while other youth were there. The youth minister warned their behaviors, but it didn't stop them completely. The boy's parents were frustrated with this couple, and later I heard that one day in the morning, the boy's mother found two sleeping in the basement of her house together when she thought the pastor's daughter went home late night.
The boy's mother came and told this to the youth minister, so the youth minister knew it. And the youth minister brought this attention to some church members.
While this problem was getting bigger attention, another thing happened and the problem of pastor's daughter went to under the rug. The youth minister used church money ($500) for her personal thing, and she got fired for that.
Some people wanted to bring up the pastor's daughter problem, but they got silent by church leadership. One Sunday, the pastor even preached a sermon attacking those who criticized his daughter. Because of this, they got hurt and didn't come to church often since then. And the pastor wasn't bothered by their absence.
When I started a full time job, we didn't have a worship band. It was just me at the keyboard, a guitar guy, and two lady singers. However from two years ago, I started a worship band by adding three youth to our band. They didn't have any experience on band stuff. Two of them just picked up their instrument (electric guitar and bass guitar). Just a drummer had a little bit of experience, but his problem was keeping the tempo.
Since then I added two more lady singers, so we had 9 members. However the problem was that we couldn't have a set-time for the practice. Almost nobody wanted to commit their time for the band practice. So I had to call everybody each week to find out available time to practice, and that was a misery.
In addition I had to have two individual lessons for electric guitar and bass guitar before band practice. This period was the time I really got burned out. However the most uncooperative single person during this time was the pastor's wife. She was one of the singers, and everytime I called her to schedule singer practice, she just made me crazy by her unwillingness to help. I was furious that why I had a hard time from the pastor's wife who was supposed to be the most supportive person for the ministry. Later her attitude got better after I complained this to the pastor.
However I found out the most awful thing about the pastor last November. There is a guy (let's call him Jon) who has contributed a lot financially. His family has been our church member more than 15 years. They are rich but they tithe and whenever we need extra money to expand our minister (ex. buying equipment for praise band and sound system), they step forward to donate the money. However they are also very involved in our church ministry. Jon also did a lot of church outside maintenance jobs by himself, and he was the most cooperative person for the choir. His wife is also a praise team singer.
Because our church was small (and still small), the church didn't have money to provide parsonage for pastor. And Jon volunteered to pay rent for parsonage before I joined the church, and in 2001 he bought a house as parsonage. What a nice thing he could do for a small church!
Jon's family lived for a long time at a 1,700 sq ft three bedroom house since they got married. And the Spring of last year, they moved to their dream house. The old house was a bit smaller for them since they got three children, and this was the reason he built a new dream home. After he moved to a new home, he found a new problem. He had three houses: his new home, his old home, and a parsonage. Even though he was rich, he had a problem to pay three mortgages. So he decided to sell one house, but he didn't want to sell the old house he lived for 20 years because he built it and he attached to it a lot unlike the parsonage that he bought in 2001.
So he met the pastor and proposed to move to the house where he lived, so he could sell the house where the pastor lived. And Jon even offered to pay moving expenses. However the pastor rejected the proposal. The current parsonage and Jon's old house are almost same size. I don't know why he refused to move, but one thing I guess was that Jon was the one who brought up pastor's daughter's problem until they swept the problem under the rug.
Since then, Jon didn't come to church except a few occasions. I didn't know this until my family invited Jon's family to our home for a dinner last November.
When I first heard it, I was sickened and couldn't speak a word for a while. And I shared my frustration with pastor also, and suggested him to come to at least Sunday worship even though he got hurt by the pastor. He showed up two Sundays after that, and stop coming.
Since I heard this incident, my trust and respect for the pastor was totally gone. And last November the pastor's sermon series was about servanthood. His point was that like Jesus did for us, we have to sacrifice ourselves for Jesus and our neighbors. And I yelled at him, "liar! liar!" silently while he was preaching.
Jon and his wife are separated now. I know they had a marriage problem all the time, but when I asked her if the pastor’s refusal affected their relationship, she replied that it affected their relationship greatly. Now she said their divorce is inevitable.
And Jon told church leadership that he wanted the parsonage back within two months.
I can endure other things, but I cannot do ministry with a pastor what he says and what he does is different. Aren't ministers (including me) supposed to sacrifice themselves first ahead of other people and set examples, so they can learn by their examples? Isn't it a pastor's job to come to people first who got hurt by pastor and to comfort them and to initiate reconciliation first, not to ignore them? Isn't it pastor's family job sometimes to sacrifice themselves for a greater purpose, not to counter-attack someone who criticizes them?
Do you think my church pastor had a big problem?
My wife and I prayed for this situation during the month of June, and we got conclusion that it's time to move on.
However should I keep the actually reason for resignation secret forever, or share my reason for resignation with church leadership (there are three lay leaders) secretly?
Thank you for reading this long frustration.