Another "teaching" song from the same EP

[TheOldATrain]

...in light of the discussion on Trinitarian worship songs, here is a song I recently completed which acknowledges the part(s) that each Person of the Trinity had in the giving of divine revelation.
The structure is a bit unusual in that there isn't a single chorus, but hopefully the sequence of thought makes sense.

Alex

TheOldATrain - Revelation - SoundCloud (http://soundcloud.com/theoldatrain/revelation)

REVELATION

VERSE 1
Father, You’ve made known to all of humankind
Your eternal power and nature as God
Through creation’s splendor, Your care for life on earth,
And our natural sense of right from wrong.

BRIDGE 1
In earliest times You spoke to man in person,
Then prophets declared Your words to Your people,
And later You spoke again by Your Son,
The Word made flesh who dwelled with us.

VERSE 2
Jesus, You proclaimed through every word and deed
All the fullness of the Father’s love.
What the prophets wrote of Your suffering was fulfilled
When You bore the cross and rose from the dead.

BRIDGE 2
And when You’d ascended to the Father in heaven,
The Spirit was sent in Your Name by the Father
To empower the church to tell Your mighty works
And unveil the mystery of the body of Christ.

VERSE 3
Spirit, You’ve borne witness to the risen Son
Since the day You spoke through tongues of fire.
As you brought remembrance of all the Son had said,
Those He said You’d guide into all Truth
Wrote Your final words of holy Scripture…

Words and Music by Alex Morris
(c) 2010 Latreuo Music, LLC

[MarkSnyder]

I like the thoughts you present about Revelation. Very sound biblically overall. I can see where it goes with your other song.

It seems like the thoughts could be knit together around some kind of a unifying repeated part to really help it connect. There are a lot of thoughts to apprehend here without studying the lyrics in written form. I don't know if I would take away the message you want me to take away if I sang it as a worship song with the verses scrolling by on a screen. There is no chorus to return to and not quite enough parallelism in the structure of the verses to hold it together. My songwriter 101 sense says you need one or the other in a worship song, but, then, rules are made to be broken, right? Just my thoughts.

[Wannabe a Worshiper]

I will second Mark's comments; the song tells some very important truths about the roles of the Trinity, but the presentation leaves something to be desired, namely an element that ties the song together.

I can see the song sung as a solo as a part of a lesson or message on the Trinity, but don't see it as congregationally friendly.

I don't mean to sound critical. You have thoughtfully put into words some very hard to grasp concepts that the church is basically ignorant of, and we definitely need more songs that teach these truths.
Tom

[TheOldATrain]

I will second Mark's comments; the song tells some very important truths about the roles of the Trinity, but the presentation leaves something to be desired, namely an element that ties the song together.
That's a valid point.
The odd thing is, the other three songs on the EP all have a repeated element of some sort (either a single line or full chorus).

If it's possible to tweak it in some fashion to add a brief chorus somewhere I might see what can be done.

Thanks, as always, for taking the time to listen and post feedback.

Alex