help with pastor/father in law/boss

[brandon]

hi everyone... i need some help/advice on a situation i am in.

Here is my situation: (i will try to make it as short as possible)
My father-in-law felt lead to plant a church so, i left the full time position i was serving to pursue the church plant (felt like that is what i needed to do at the time). The church has done pretty well in the last 2 years but not well enough to hire either of us full time. So, after 2 years of trying to make ends meet my father-in-law decided to open an insurance agency (which he had done in the past) to help supplement our income.

To make a LONG story short... what do you do when your pastor is your father-in-law, your employer is your father-in-law, and you feel like you are on 2 different pages when it comes to ministry but you don't want to do/say anything to upset your wife or her family....

how do you handle this when your wife is pregnant and very emotional and dont want to put anymore stress on her by telling her you want to leave the church where she is sooo happy at and leave her family that she is very close to....

i will stop with that.... i am sorry for the long post, i am just very miserable and stressed and dont really know who to talk to about this.....

any information/comments/help/advice will help....... :confused:

[El Ben]

Um...you pray that God catches you up into the third heaven for the next several years?

All joking aside, this is a tough situation. Very tough. I was only half-joking earlier. I'd recommend bathing, no drenching the whole situation with prayer. In an ideal world, you'd be able to share these frustrations with your wife, but because of the personal nature of the situation, obviouslly, you might feel like you can't. Also in an ideal world, you'd be able to fully discuss this with your pastor/boss/father-in-law and he would be professional enough to take it for what it is and not be offended by it, but I also don't know your father-in-law.

So basically, the only advice me, maybe any of us are qualified to give is to pray, pray, pray, and get a word from God.

[russhutto]

1) How old are you?
2) How long have you been married?
3) What are your life dreams? ministry dreams/callings?

Where is Moses when you need good father-in-law advice...

Personally, I'd be careful with the amount of "work/ministry" related stuff I unloaded on my wife. It's nice to have someone to talk to about anything, but in some cases our wives are NOT the most ideal person to "dump" on.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes we need to share "what's going on" with them, but in all the counsel I've been given by older, wiser married folks, it seems that sharing with her the basics (or less) is a good thing, while telling her everything that makes your job stressful only adds to her stress and creates an emotional mess for her.

We have a policy within our office that spouses are on a need to know basis (when it comes to really tough ministry issues).

As far as the father-in-law, I'd definitely do what Ben suggested PRAY and then when you're done with that PRAY and then repeat ad nauseum.

Also, I might suggest opening the doors of a conversation with dad-in-law and ask him some very general questions about the future. Like how long does he see YOU working alongside him? What are his dreams for the ministry? His personal dreams etc?

I'd start by being honest about your "stirrings" within. Maybe even approach it from a "positive" angle NOT a negative angle. What seems to be a "bad" situation with a potential conflict between you and dad-in-law, could actually be the Holy Spirit stirring desires within you to LAUNCH out.

It's best to be "launched" out in ministry with love and support, then to have everything crumble around you as you run for the nearest exit!

Back to Moses, he lived with his Father-in-law for many years and "tended" to the family business, but there eventually came a time when he was"stirred" to move on.

[brandon]

elben...

it would be a lot easier to be caught up into the third world... LOL
thanks for you comments!

[brandon]

blindeyesopen....

thanks for you comments...
i am 29 and have been married for 3 years...
ministry dreams(without going in depth): to be full time again; write songs; help 1000's of people experience true worship; travel. (to name a few)
Calling: i know without a doubt this is why i was created!!! this is who i am!

i am definitely praying and fasting about this and would appreciate it if you would add me to your prayers....

Thanks again!

[Stevie Nature]

Yeah, I have to agree with the rest of the guys. The first thing to do it pray and pray hard. I'd first be sure that it's your dissatisfaction with the current situation is God's leading or something else. If it's something else (and not having any idea of the total situation) then that needs to be dealt with before the Lord.

I also agree with blindeyesopen that you need to talk to your father-in-law. Do you guys have that type of relationship? If not you need to cultivate one, especially if you're going to be in ministry together.

I don't know about the whole wife situation. I pretty much tell my wife everything I'm going through. Let me ask you, are you afraid that if you tell your wife what you're feel that she'll side with her father? That's a tough situation and not something that can be dealt with on a internet forum. Again, I'd recommend talking to your father-in-law. Let us know how things go.

[russhutto]

Stevie, a bit of clarification on my part,

I tell my wife everything that I'M going through personally, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she hears everything that's going on down at the ol' church house. She's my "BIG EAR" haha. I didn't mean to come across like we feel like our wives aren't "good" enough to deal with situations, that's not what I meant.

I just meant things that would unnecessarily stress her out. That's part of my responsibility as a good husband!

[Stevie Nature]

blindeyesopen,

I wasn't really speaking to your situation. I agree that there are somethings that our wives just don't need to know with reference to ministry. To be honest, these are normally the things I'd rather not know about myself. I was speaking more to Brandon's situation. If I was having this kind of internal struggle I'd go to my wife and explain it to her.

[stephen_can_man]

Well what is your plan if you decide to leave the church? I made the mistake of working for my wife's father and it lasted about 3 weeks before we argued and I was gone. But, I had a college degree and another plan.

Don't leave without a good solid plan or opportunity, otherwise you just look like an idiot to your wife. Oh, and don't make this decision without consulting your wife and letting her know how you feel...Pregnant or not she needs to know how you feel.

I hear what you guys say about not telling everything, but I don't really agree with that. If something is bothering you and you can't tell your wife, that's just stupid. What did you get married for then? Protecting your wife from stress? Uh, she is an adult (hopefully) and as a couple you should share the stress and come up with solutions together. That's marriage.

I would definitely have a plan or some ideas before you talk to your wife, but, it needs to go through her ASAP! If she doesn't know the whole truth, how can she help and how do you think she will feel being left in the dark while you brood over your anger? Prayer is good, but, you need to act or you will go postal on someone.

[mmcmurrin]

I can relate a little to your problem. I was overseas serving in a mission that my parents had started and was very happy in the work we were doing, but the situation was not good for my marriage. After 3 years of trying to make it work we left the mission field and went to work at a church where neither of us had any prior connections. It is the best thing we've done for our family. Working with family in ministry is difficult. But I don't have to tell you that. In a loving way, be honest with your wife. It may be hard but it's always the best thing. You might be surprised what she's open to.

[El Ben]

Stephen, I debated doing this publically. I was going to send you a PM, but I figured since you posted this stuff publically, then I would reply publically:

Well what is your plan if you decide to leave the church? I made the mistake of working for my wife's father and it lasted about 3 weeks before we argued and I was gone. But, I had a college degree and another plan.

There's something to be said here about toughing it out through disagreements and submitting to authority even though you don't agree with them.

Don't leave without a good solid plan or opportunity, otherwise you just look like an idiot to your wife.

Forget a good solid plan or opportunity. This guy doesn't even know if God is moving him yet. Looking like an idiot to his wife at this point is the least of his worries. We're talking about his future here.

Oh, and don't make this decision without consulting your wife and letting her know how you feel...Pregnant or not she needs to know how you feel.

Agreed...in moderation. Honor and protect your wife, but not at the risk of keeping secrets from her.

I hear what you guys say about not telling everything, but I don't really agree with that. If something is bothering you and you can't tell your wife, that's just stupid. What did you get married for then? Protecting your wife from stress? Uh, she is an adult (hopefully) and as a couple you should share the stress and come up with solutions together. That's marriage.


That might be stupid to you, but it's someone else's reality. How about your tone down the condemnation and stir up a little compassion, huh? This guy asked for help, not your judgements.


I would definitely have a plan or some ideas before you talk to your wife, but, it needs to go through her ASAP!

Not necessarilly the truth. Pregnancy is an especially delicate time in any woman's life. He needs to be careful that he maintains the safety of his wife and unborn child at all costs. If he really feels God moving him on, then he needs to operate on God's timing.

John Maxwell says that as important as knowing the right thing to do is knowing when to do it.

If she doesn't know the whole truth, how can she help and how do you think she will feel being left in the dark while you brood over your anger? Prayer is good, but, you need to act or you will go postal on someone.

Three things:

1.) I agree with you about her knowing the whole truth. Brandon needs to be careful, though, of how he presents the truth. A soft word turns away wrath and all that, remember.

2.) I find it a little disturbing that your last comment seems to imply that prayer is secondary to action. Actions are pointless in these situations if they put us outside the will or character of God.

3.) Most of your advice seems a little selfish. Sometimes it's necessary for us to do what is NOT best for us in order to complete the work that God has assigned to us. Our interests are secondary to kingdom business. Always. That's just how it is. That's not to say that we shouldn't watch out for ourselves, but we should also recognize that God is our avenger. The psalms say over and over that God is righteous and that he loves justice. The word also says that God is stirred to response by the cries of the righteous.

I'm going to have to humbly disagree with your advice on the whole and ask you to reread your post and consider what I've said. I'm not saying that I'm perfect by a long shot, and I blow it all the time, just ask Fred, but I am saying that I believe you are giving dangerous advice here. This is someone's life and future we're talking about here, not a career ladder he hopes to climb.

Sorry if this offends you or anyone else. I'm just trying to help.

[russhutto]

I hear what you guys say about not telling everything, but I don't really agree with that. If something is bothering you and you can't tell your wife, that's just stupid. What did you get married for then? Protecting your wife from stress? Uh, she is an adult (hopefully) and as a couple you should share the stress and come up with solutions together. That's marriage.
Stephen,

I'm gonna agree and disagree with this statement at the same time.

I agree, because as a married couple 2 are one, and we should "go" through things together.

I disagree, because sometimes as priest and spiritual covering of the home it's our humbling/honored responsibilty to protect our wives/families from stuff that would cause them UNNECESSARY stress and harm.

THIS particular situation might not be one of those times, I just brought it up as an option because it's pretty obvious that this could potentially be a very stressful situation for everyone involved.

And I don't believe that it means keeping someone clueless to keep them from having some stress. I mean sometimes in the ministry there are things in people's lives, situations we go through, burdens we bear (ministry related) that do not need to be shared with our wives. I just believe that. If you don't, then we'll cordially agree to disagree.
***
-Ben,

Thanks for your open and honest response here. I think it is balanced and grounded.

[chipshot0701]

I hate telling my wife everything....she always has this crazy little way of pointing out that I'm wrong in my thinking. So it knocks me down a little bit every time.

Brandon, seriously, you have to talk to her and your father in law. Are you a scared? And if so about what? If you are scared you can always open the conversation up with this "um,, dad? I have an issue I'm really scared and nervous about. got a minute?"

chip!

[stephen_can_man]

Thanks for your response El Ben, and I see where you are coming from. I have a different biblical view about God's will and how He leads us as believers, so fundamentally we will disagree on how to make decisions. My point was not that prayer isn't important, but, I was told to pray most of my life and usually God's response was to allow me to make decisions and then learn from them.
I don't believe that God has a specific blueprint for every decision we make, rather, God gives us freedom to decide the best ways to serve in his kingdom. We ask for wisdom from the holy spirit and other believers to help anticipate the consequences of our actions whether good or bad.

I have learned from my past experiences that having a good backup plan before discussing your true feelings or differences with a Pastor or spouse can be very important. It gives confidence and assurance to the spouse that you have been thinking things through thoroughly, and she is less likely to be worried about income etc. If utilized properly, a plan can let your Pastor know that you are serious about the disagreements you may have. I wouldn't let him know unless you are sure that the disagreements are leading to a parting of ways though.

I realize that this advice doesn't sound as spiritual as pray and ask God for the answer, but, I would argue that it is biblical. I believe that God loves us and trusts us enough to allow us to make decisions for ourselves and learn from the consequences, with the caveat of course that we are commanded to abide by scripture in all decisions.

[russhutto]

Stephen, I like your thinking. I'm pretty sure that a life lived and bathed in prayer is very important, but if there's no plans and action on our part then we are not fulfilling our whole purpose here on earth.

I think it IS spiritual advice to say that we should pray and ask God for the answer while at the same time using the minds and information that he has in front of us to make informed decisions.

I tend to agree to that God has a master "purpose" for our lives, but it's not necessarily as linear as we tend to think sometimes.